


A Dying Breath

by mooonwaffle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Merlin, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Overprotective, Recovery, Self-Harm, Self-Harm Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 02:28:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14439522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooonwaffle/pseuds/mooonwaffle
Summary: Do you know those moments when you're done crying and you just sit there in silence... emotionless and empty?In which most everybody finds out about Merlin's depression and self-harm.





	1. 1\2

**Author's Note:**

> Please please don't read if you get easily triggered for self-harm/suicide! 
> 
> INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE HOTLINE: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> I love you, whoever's reading this, stay strong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited and revised*
> 
> Please don't read this if you'll get triggered easily. This book is not meant to glorify mental illness and self-harm, but to bring awareness to such topics and bring light into place. I plan on this having a lesson learning and mostly happy ending if you just hang on. Thank you so much and please, please be cautious. Don't read if you have any doubt.

**Part One of Two**

 

 

Merlin looked at the red covered cuts lying horizontally on both of his arms, starting below the elbow to the start of the wrists. He watched the red soak through the pale, piece of fabric, a clean cloth to wash away the blood.

 

He didn't even have a reason to cut this time. He only craved it like a bear with its prey. He didn't know where he was anymore or what he was doing but he knew self-harm was his way of coping... A bad way, but _his_ way. And no one suspected anything so why did it matter? He wouldn't stop until the day he died, even if he wanted to.

 

Merlin sat in silence, thinking about... Nothing. Absolutely _nothing_. This was the time when he had no thoughts, no feelings, no emotion, no words to explain what the bloody- literally- hell was going on. He just sat in an abyss of nothingness, waiting for no one or nothing.

 

Standing up, the young man grew sad again and pushed the cloth into one arm, completely soaking up all the evidence before doing the same with the other and pulling down his sleeves. Good as new.

 

He rose to his feet and let out a deep and long sigh. He had to polish his King’s armour, it wouldn’t wash itself. Sometimes he wished he wasn’t a manservant. Not because he didn’t appreciate Arthur, just because it took too much motivation and caused him more depression.

 

He walked to the door, pulled it open and walked down the few steps before finding himself in the physician’s lab.

 

"Hello, Merlin, " Gaius greeted, not giving him his full attention because he was too focused on mixing the medicine he just made.

 

"Hello, Gaius," Merlin nodded without a flicker of a smile and swooshed right past the old man. He closed the main door behind him and continued into the castle, down the halls.

 

He walked into Arthur's room, luckily he wasn't there and since he didn't feel like speaking today, this was perfect. He grabbed the King’s armour and made his way back through the hall and down the long flights of stairs until he reached the lower levels where the armoury was. Merlin walked in and sat down on the ground, not before fetching a clean rag to polish the chainmail. He held up the chest piece and went away at it.

 

After a while of cleaning, he began to feel warmer. All the elbow grease he put into the polishing was causing him this. So he quickly turned his head to check if anyone else was there. When decided he didn’t see anyone, he turned back and rolled up his sleeves.

 

He gazed at his pale, scarred skin. Three of the harsher cuts had begun bleeding again so he angrily sighed and took a separate, cleaner rag and press it to his skin. The blood-soaked up into the cloth and he sighed once again, this time in relief, before placing it by his side.

 

"Merlin!" the warlock thought for sure someone had seen him but he was hidden behind a shelf. They must've seen his legs to know it was him. Merlin quickly pulled his sleeves down and turned around to see Gwaine and Percival standing there, looking at him. He pushed the cloth further behind him just to be on the safe side.

 

The two knights moved closer and crouched down in front of Merlin, "uh, " Merlin hesitated, "can I help you? How long have you been here?” He asked nervously.

 

"Long enough," Gwaine frowned and Percival shook his head behind him.

 

The servingman's breath hitched, "what do you mean?” He chuckled softly, trying to play it off. Maybe the knights were talking about something _completely_ different.

 

Gwaine took Merlin's arm before he could protest and began pulling up the sleeve. Merlin had only cut down to his wrist twice on the arm he older knight was holding so that's all he saw before he snatched it away. He was lucky he hasn't pulled it up farther.

 

"What were those?" Percival asked, causing Merlin to look away in denial and fear.

 

"They're from... A hunting trip. I fell and scraped my wrist, " he lied straight to them. His voice seemed real but his face showed something completely different; something scared and scarred.

 

"Then why'd you snatch your arm away so fast?"

 

"And why'd they start to bleed again, " Gwaine took the bloody rag he had used and held it up, "our last hunting trip was over a week ago. It'd of healed by now.”

 

Merlin quickly snatched the rag from his hands and looked anywhere but the eyes of the knights. He couldn't do this. He had to get away, "just leave me be, please. I don’t know what you’re talking about," he sighed and began frantically packing everything up to get away.

 

"Confess and we'll leave you be... For now... " Gwaine have him a look that made Merlin roll his eyes.

 

"I honestly have no idea what you lot are on about," he chuckled and pulled his sleeves down in protection before picking up the chainmail and starting to walk away as fast as he could.

 

Suddenly, he was up against the wall, Gwaine pinning him there, as the chainmail fell to the floor in a very loud matter as it rang throughout the room, "Merlin, we need to know.”

 

He stayed silent but anyone could see the truth in his eyes. A single tear rolled down his pale face as he looked into Gwaine’s with sad eyes.

 

“Do you hurt yourself?” Gwaine asked, his eyebrows furrowing with concern and sadness. Merlin stayed silent and looked to the ground as more tears fell down his face and onto the floor, "is that a yes?" Gwaine finally questioned, his voice laced with hurt. Percival, who was watching the whole thing, hoped with all his heart that it wasn't true.

 

"You don't understand-" Merlin started, looking back up to their eyes.

 

"Damn it," Gwaine slapped the wall beside him, " damn it! " he yelled. Merlin flinched, "sorry. I’m sorry, I’m not mad just, Merlin, why?! Why would you hurt yourself? What does it do? No, you know what? I don't want to hear. How many do you even have? Gods, are there any infected ones?"

 

Merlin was taken back at the sentences Gwaine was spitting out while he took his arms once again- both this time. He pulled up the sleeves and gasped. There wasn't an inch without a line, old or fresh, "dear gods," he muttered.

 

"You can’t… not anymore," Percival told him. Merlin just scoffed and looked to the side.

 

"I can't just _stop,_ " he sighed, "it's not that easy and it's very addicting."

 

Gwaine shook his head, "you understand we have to tell Gaius now? "

 

Merlin's eyes widened, "no... No!" he gasped, "you can't, please, don’t."

 

"You injure yourself! What did you expect?"

 

"I only wanted to do this to myself,” his voice broke drastically and he covered his face with his hands.

 

"But, don’t you understand, Merls? You’re not just doing this to yourself. You’re hurting everyone who cares about you.”

 

Merlin seethed and angrily kicked the shelf. He sank to the ground, shooting darts at Gwaine and Percival.

 

"We're not trying to be rude but this is just what we have to do. Alright, Merlin?"

 

"I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he sobbed quietly as he hugged his knees to his chest and pressed his face against them. He subconsciously duh his fingernails into his arm, causing his fresh cuts to sting and bleed. Gwaine noticed right away and immediately pulled his hand away.

 

“We know you didn’t. But if you keep hurting yourself, you’ll keep hurting us,” Gwaine explained. Merlin stayed silent except for his sobbing, “please understand we have to tell Gaius.”

 

“No, you can’t, “ he protested while picking his head back up to look the man’s saddened and worn face, “Gwaine, please don’t.”

 

“We have to, Merls. It’s for the best,” Percival sighed and rested a comforting hand on his shoulder.

 

Merlin shook the man off and closed his eyelids, wishing anything but this was happening right then. He heard loud footsteps grow softer as the knights walked off to his chambers to where he assumed, they’d tell Gaius.

 

The knights were doing just that. They walked down the hall to the large doors and knocked before it creaked open and they walked inside. As if on cue, an old man turned around with a bottle of pinkish liquid in his hands. He looked through his tiny glasses at them and raised an eyebrow.

 

"Gwaine, Percival, to what do I owe this pleasure?" He asked, returning to his potion but still giving them his attention.

 

"I wouldn't say you'd owe anything. In fact, we come on serious terms, " Gwaine explained, worry in his voice.

 

"Go on, " Gaius set the medicine down and turned to look them in the eyes.

 

“It's about Merlin. You see... He- w-well... " Gwaine could not finish. Images of Merlin self-destructing flashed through his mind like police lights, “Merlin- he…”

 

"He cuts himself," Percival chimed in and rested a hand on Gwaine's arm, showing him it was alright. Well, it wasn’t but maybe it would calm him. Gaius gave Percival an odd, questioning look.

 

“How did he get cut? Did he fall? Was it the King during training? " Gaius asked and picked his bottle back up to continue working on it. In his mind, this was just a weekly happening caused by the King by using Merlin as his fighting dummy.

 

"No, that's the problem. He did it on purpose... To himself. And he's done it numerous times."

 

The physician's eyes widened at this statement, "nonsense. I know my boy, he could never hurt himself intentionally. He’s the happiest boy I know, usually… well, maybe not these past months.”

 

"He confessed, Gaius," Gwaine further explained, "check his room. You'll most definitely find daggers and bandages of some sort."

 

And so Gaius did. And he would not believe what he saw; a dagger Arthur had given him for his birthday, much smaller blades and a roll of bandages. They were right under his bed in a little nook in the floor, where he kept his book of spells. He nearly had a heart attack when he found them.

 

Gaius immediately threw them out with a terrified look on his worn face. He solemnly walked back to his chambers to report back to Gwaine and Percival that they had been right. Sadly, they had been right.  



	2. 2/2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit. Sorry, everyone! I haven't updated in months! This is hella late and very shitty but, nonetheless, I hope you enjoy what you can.
> 
> ALSO, I rewrote the first chapter since it's sooo bad. But nothing major changed. It's only edited because it was so cringy.

**Part Two of Two**

Practically the whole castle was looking for Merlin. He had disappeared  _ right  _ after the confrontation. They had the Queen and King scoping around the castle, looking in every single room twice- no three times. Leon and Mordred were searching throughout the outskirts of the castle and in small shops while Gwaine and Percival explored the forests, mentally tearing the place up to find the young, sad man.

 

Arthur was a mess. He wanted to stop, fall to the ground and sob his eyes out, but more than that, he wanted to find his scrawny, helpless idiot of a manservant, who was somehow the best part of his life, before he did something utterly stupid. 

 

When Gwaine had told him why they needed to find him so quickly, his jaw had dropped. Of course, he’d seen how much Merlin had changed. How the life seemed to have drained from his eyes and the colour of skin dulled over time and how his smile never quite did reach his cheeks. He had asked him if he was alright countless times but he shouldn’t have believed the boy when he told him he was fine. No one was ever just  _ fine.  _

 

Instead of collapsing to the floor and sobbing his heart out, Arthur climbed the steps to the first turret on his right. Gwen was following close behind and took each step up the spiralling staircase. When he reached the top, he pushed open the wooden door and his heart immediately broke into a thousand pieces.

 

A dark figure, clothing a bit too big for his thin, lanky body, was standing at the edge of the turret, looking out down below. He didn’t have to turn for Arthur to realize it was him. And Merlin didn’t have to look back to know Arthur was there too.

 

“Merlin, please, just take a step back,” Arthur spoke carefully and calmly, although on the inside he was a shaking, worrying, crying mess.

 

“You know I never do as I’m told,” he mumbled so softly it was like his voice had been stolen from the wind. 

 

“Come to us, we can talk this out. It doesn’t have to be this way,” Gwen added as she took a step closer so she was side-by-side with her husband.

 

“Just leave, I don’t want you to see this,” Merlin spoke darkly, not looking up from the spot on the ground where he wanted to fall, “I think it was meant to be this way. All I’ve ever done is get in your way, Arthur. You still think I’m a bumbling idiot, you’re right.”

 

“No, Merlin, I don’t think-”

 

“I’m just a servant, why should the King and Queen of Camelot be worried about me? I don’t matter. My life is so insignificant, It’d be like watching a fly die.”

 

“That is not true!” Gwen objected firmly.

 

“She’s right. Merlin, you’re one of the best things that has happened to me. I don’t know what I would do without you and your sarcastic comments, and your hilarious jokes and your sassy remarks. I can’t lose you, especially not like this.”

 

A few tears escapes Merlin’s eyes and rolled down his pale cheeks. He watched them fall to the ground where he was going jump. Why did Arthur care so much about him? He hated himself, how could anyone care for someone who hates himself?

 

“You don’t understand, Arthur. I can’t take it anymore; the restless nights, the horrible thoughts and voices in my head, the sadness, the secrets I have to keep from you. I just can’t do it anymore! I’d rather be dead, that’s what I really long for,” Merlin then took his foot off and moved it nearly off the turret.

 

“Merlin!” Arthur shouted. He wanted to run up to him and tear him off the edge but he couldn’t risk scaring him into jumping off.

 

“And this time it will work…” He mumbled. He closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath before leaning forward and taking his feet off the edge of the turret.

 

“Merlin!” Arthur and Gwen shouted at the top of their lungs. They darted to where he’d fallen and looked down. His body wasn’t falling but it hadn’t fallen either. He was nowhere.  Had he drifted off to the side? No, he wasn’t there either. So where was this boy?

 

\---

 

was falling, and it was blissful. He expected himself to be scared but he wasn’t. Instead, he was absolutely calm.  He didn’t dare open his eyes. Not until he felt something hard collide with his body. But it wasn’t the impact he was expecting, it was oddly different. Then, it felt like he was flying. That’s when he opened his eyes and realized he had never even hit the ground. He had collided with Kilgharrah. 

 

Merlin looked up at the sky from his spot on the dragons back and cried. He was so close! He was so close! And he was stupid for trying to kill himself this way, he should’ve done it differently. Some way where a dragon couldn’t swoop in and  _ save the day _ . 

 

When they landed not too far away from the castle, Merlin dragged himself off Kilgharrah’s back and kept his gaze glumly on the ground.

 

“What were you doing, warlock?!” The dragon seethed.

 

“What do you think?!” Merlin snapped.

 

“You have a destiny to protect the King and unite the land of Albi-”

 

“You don’t think I know this?! That is the  _ one  _ thing that stopped me from killing myself sooner. You don’t understand, Kilgharrah, you’re just a dragon.”

 

“I have watched my kind vanish slowly before me. I am the last left of my kind! You do not know what it is like to be alone, young one. You do not know how hard it is to live on when no other of your kind is there to help you.”

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. I should’ve known. But that doesn’t mean I cannot feel the same as well. The only person who truly ever knew me is gone. He’s gone and he’s not coming back.”

 

“And I can’t do this anymore, Kilgharrah. I can’t live when I don’t want to. Everything is getting louder; the voices in my head telling me to end it, everything! And I know I’ll never be able to stop… harming myself. It’s too hard and I crave it like a Princess craves her jewels. It’s addicting, like the thought of death is.”

 

“I just want to be gone. I don’t want to wake up in the morning and force myself out of bed. I don’t want to be the one saving Arthur and he doesn’t even notice it. I don’t want to keep losing everyone I become close with. I just want to see Will again. ANd Freya. And Lancelot, my father, Elyan, everyone I’ve lost.”

 

“No one can control what you do. In the end, your choice is your choice. It causes me sadness that you feel this way, young warlock. But there is nothing I can do to sooth the pain and stop the voices.”

 

“Will you take me back?”

 

“What will you do?”

 

“After everything I’ve told you, is that still a question?”

 

“Very well,” Kilgharrah sighed and lifted the warlock onto his back. He flew the edge of the castle and Merlin stepped onto the ledge where he tried to jump before. 

 

The King and Queen weren’t there anymore. They were probably looking for his mysterious vanished body. No other guards were near the turret either.

 

Merlin walked closer to the edge so part of his feet were in mid-air and the other were planted on the turret. He closed his eyes and took another calming breath. He heard yelling from down below, obviously part of the castle could see him now. He only wishes they’d look away so they wouldn’t have to see his body fall. Maybe they would once he jumped.

 

“Merlin, don’t!” It was Arthur again. Had he really climbed all the way back up there? Why did he care that much?

 

“Goodbye, my King. It had been an honour serving you,” Merlin whispered before he took his last breath and let himself fall off the turret, this time, hitting the ground.

 

It was a travesty to see. The King didn’t bear to look down at the servingman who meant so much to him. He fell to his knees instead and sobbed his heart out. It seemed that’s what everyone who knew him was doing.

 

When Merlin woke up in his bed a week later, he was shocked. He knew he had fallen. He felt the ground beneath him on impact. There was no way he could’ve survived that fall. Unless he  _ couldn’t _ die...

 

Then, it hit him. Kilgharrah had brought him back to the ledge because he was trying to prove a point. Merlin was immortal.

 

He couldn’t ever escape the life he was living.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks you for reading! Please comment your thoughts/reactions of anything else you'd like. Oh, and a kudos would be nice too ;)
> 
> For more stories like this one, follow me on archiveofourown.com and wattpad.com @mooonwaffle.
> 
> Also my tongue is numb because I accidentally licked body lotion.


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